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Donald Trump GUEST AUTHOR Mark Esper Mike Pence National Press Conference

Press conference with Donald Trump (4/1/20)

BY GUEST AUTHOR, TANYA PEREZ! I’m very excited to introduce you guys to Tanya! She graciously offered to take on a day of tangerine for me yesterday, and I’m thrilled to share her work with you now! Take it away, Tanya!

TANYA

Ugh, I really wish this was some kind of April’s Fools joke and we all get to have a good laugh at the prank this Administration is pulling on us on the daily. Nope. This is for real, folks. So I’m drinking a mean whiskey while watching this shit show unfold.

Also, I apologize to Amy’s mom for all the adult words I’m ‘bout to unleash. 

Just for the record, I despise this wretch of a “man” so much that I have done a number of santeria rituals to withstand the few hours of listening to his dribble that I have summed up here.  My love for Amy’s blog and Tullamore Dew push me through!

Int. LATE AFTERNOON WHITE HOUSE PRESS CONFERENCE

A nearly empty row of seats sits a group of “diverse” reporters strategically 6 feet apart from each other, eager in anticipation for all the WTF moments that are about to unfold this evening.

A group of white dudes walk onto the press briefing stage and hit their marks around the grade school assembly podem.  They stand around for a full two minutes looking like someone smelt it but no one is claiming they delt it.

Just as someone is about to fess up, Bozo the clown emerges from the hideaway door like he is about to do a magic show for Family night at Shoney’s.

45’s Opening Statement 

*America wages war on this “horrible, horrible” virus.

*He’s looking at the numbers. Perhaps not registering what it means but he is looking.

*He reminds the American people to do our patrotic duty by staying the fuck inside all of April. I am calling the this April Showers: The corona trail of tears

*They did a lot of good this to stop this spread but the travel ban was a big old pat on their back for enacting it “early, far, far earlier than anybody thought and before anybody else”

  • Just to instill fear, he reminds us that he is keeping us safe from cartels, criminals and you know all the bad guys who might take advantage of us during this situation
  • Today those drug cartels are planning something. I’m like wait, WHAT? I thought I was gonna sit down and listen to another pack of lies about this pandemic. Where are you going with this, Dinky Don?
  • Something about Enhanced Counter Narcotic Operations
  • 45 calls PPE Personnel Protective Equipment. Full stop. I spent 15 years teaching CPR and First Aid as a side hustle for the NYC DOE, DOH, the Federal Reserve along with medical teams in the city and I’ll be damned to let a little slip from his derelict mouth go unnoticed. It’s PERSONAL PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT and the one thing all our frontline hospital staff NEED right NOW, muthafucker!!! Get that shit RIGHT!!!

45 strolls off and hands over the mic to Secretary Mark Esper.

Markie Mark:

*Today they begin the Enhanced Counter Narcotic Operations in the Eastern Paciifc Ocean and Caribbean. This is not a new ride at DisneyWorld, folks. 

* 22 nations are partnering with us to do this. Something about 280 metric tons of drugs….

Hold up, wait a minute- so we are deploying a bunch of extra military out at sea because we also have a WAR ON DRUGS??!!  What about all those sick soldiers stuck on a boat in Guam? What is happening??!!

I need another glass of whiskey.  Did I tell you this bottle has a Caribbean Cask Finish? Perfect for this next bit of campaigning during a historic pandemic. 

Back to our regularly scheduled program:

*Corrupt actors, not the ones on this very stage, but the Maduro Regime in Venezuela are trying to capitalize on this crisis.

In case you don’t  know who they’re talking about, this is Nicolás Maduro:

And the Trump Administration has been after this guy for a while.  Here is an article published on January 21st 2020 by CNBC.

On January 22nd, Trump made this comment about COVID 19 on CNBC show Squawk Box: “We have it totally under control. It’s one person coming in from China.”

Today we have over 216,000 cases in the USA. We are #1!!!

Let’s return to this ratings-popping-reality-tv -hot-mess, shall we. Cue Thoroughly Modern General Milley!

*In a nutshell, he is not having any of the bad guys fuck up his country. He’s ready to take down all these cocaine cowboys headed our way with these fighting words:

“This is the United States military. You will not penetrate this country. You will not pass jump street.  You will not kill us with your drugs MOTHERFUCKERS”. Ok, I did embellish that last part but I totally thought he said that. 

Exit Milley singing and tapping to the tune of “Not for the Life of Me”. 

Enter stage right, Steve Bannon… I mean Bill Burr…Barr. I don’t know, they all look the same to me. (note from Amy: I LITERALLY THINK THIS EVERY TIME TOO!!!)

*A minute and a half of thank yous.

*The reason why this administration is focusing on this drug war is because of the Mexican cartels and we need to destroy them.

At this point I have spit out my drink and quickly refill. I mean, am I watching the companion series Narcos: Mexico?

*ZZZ cocaine is back ZZZ 70,000 people die from drugs ZZZ NOW is the time to do this ZZZ I love when you hold me, Mr. President.

A concerto plays softly as they dance in his mind together at last.

FIN

Oh wait, I forgot about this costar, Ambassador O’Brien, with his stagnant dialogue just saying the same shit everyone else is saying. I would normally kill him off in a second pass of a draft but he had this beautiful under 5 line:

Bassnector O’ Brien: We gonna “choke off” these guys.

Made me giggle.

Q & A TIME! Also known as the drinking game in my house where we all drink when 45 interrupts, lies, gives misinformation or gives no information at all.  Damn, I’m gonna finish this bottle tonight!

Q: What has changed to free up assets now that were unavailable in the past?

*45: Cuz we wanna and we can! I see things no one else sees but I’m gonna pass this over to Mark so he can really answer. Yo, Mark!

*Markie Mark: We have been working on this for a few months and now we can do it. 

Q: For how long will this last?

*Markie Mark: Meh, we will reassess when we want to but at this time we don’t know. We’ll get back to you.

Feels like my last audition tape I sent out. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.

Here comes Donnie!

*45: Blah dee blarp COVID TIE IN boo bee doh

Q: Can you expand on that? Because you tie it to Covid 19 and the cartels are taking advantage of that? How exactly-

*45: Because we are so focused on other parts of this country, the world, my properties, this spray tan…damn this frigging pandemic! You are ruining my campaign! War on Drugs. Super bad.

*45: But the WALL! It’s working! It’s 160 miles and people can’t get in, I mean they can walk around it but they can’t get through it. 

*Ok, what I gathered in this weak ass explanation of things is that the Mexicans are coming again now with Covid 19. End stop. I need to invoke our Lady of Guadalupe to digest all this and bring me the strength to listen onward.

Q: Did China underreport and what does that mean for your relationship with President XI?

*45: We good. Nuff said. Pause 

Oh but they are spending mad money on us. Like farmers and other shit. Word.

Q: What about your tweet about Iran and Iraq plotting something evil against America?

*45: I told them “Don’t do it”.

Q: Back to XI…did you see an Intelligence Report-

*45: I don’t know nothing…EXCEPT…numbers were a little bit on the light side.

He does like looking at numbers. Bee Boop.

*45: “Our relationship is good and they will be doing a lot of spending. There has been a little bit of a hurdle, what has happened over the last month…”  

I wonder if O’Brien is jealous of their relationship. 

Q: China is shipping PPE and taking on a global leadership role-

*45: Woah lady, I am all for China helping out the poor people who don’t know any better about social distancing. Places like:

And this place:

Oh wait, he was talking about OTHER countries. My bad.

45 continues with:

* Walmart is stepping their game and making gowns in all sizes.

* “Did you know I’m #1 on Facebook?” -actual quote

I apologize but I got so damn confused who said what in this section because the Circle Jerk party started to weave in and out to get facetime on the mic, so I am gonna just bullet point the need to know:

*Because of the outbreak on the Theodore Roosevelt Ship, they are increasing testing for soldiers going out to sea and mandating a 14 day quarantine for any deployment. 

*National stockpile of PPE is being depleted because hospitals are actually using them. Duh.

*Asking states to go local with PPE manufacturers

*10,000 ventilators are on hold to be shipped and they are looking at which hotspots to send them to

*Covid 19 says “I’m EVERYWHERE!”

*Birth of the babies will not be done on any of the ship hospitals

Q: Are you lifting immigration restrictions on doctors with H1 visas to help other doctors?

Barr quickly steps in!

*”I’m not part of that no more”

Barr returns to post. 

Q: Is Iran underreporting?

*45: I don’t frigging know and it’s not my fault, it’s Kerry’s.

El Cheeto grandstands this final bit while the actual Covid 19 professionals get ready to make their entrance.  Here are a few things this Caddy Shack reject said:

*Shit is gonna get bad and he loves New York

*Louisiana was “all of a sudden, it was like an explosion” with an outbreak. Totally unexpected. Totally.

*There is a race to find “ a cure, a remedy of some kind or even a help”

*Keep the distance…Professionals said, “Shut the country down” and I’m like,  “What does that mean?”

*We will build this city on rock and roll.  Ok, he didn’t say that but these folx did:

*Corporations will get tax benefits for eating out at restaurants

*45 has a friend who caught the virus and he was the “ right person” to get infected bad enough for him to change his tune about just calling it a flu. 

*Looking into full mitigation of operating flights going in and out of hotspots

When asked about not declaring a national stay at home order, he said “Some states don’t have much of a problem” 

End Stop.

 I will have you know that my internet and feed of the live briefing shut off just as he was talking about his girlfriend Putin.  I think it was the Russion bots watching my screens with their internet spy spiders, so this is as far as I got. 

My final thoughts on this are:

*Go watch Cuomo’s briefings

*Stay the fuck inside and wash everyhting all the goddamn time because this adminstraion doesn’t give a flying fuck about the American people.

*I need to stockpile a helluva lot more booze.

Reporting from Florida, this is Tanya who has entered early retirement with my folks. Peace out!

Tanya Perez is a New York based actress, comedy writer and professional clown who has been displaced by the coronavirus pandemic along with her angry chihuahua Tia Tortilla.  You can follow her on Instagram & Twitter @tanyaperezrulez, IMDB and Facebook.

Yeah, all my work has stopped for the unforeseeable future so contributions can be made at Venmo @Tanya-Perez or using the email dollseam@gmail.com at Zelle 

THANK YOU, TANYA! ❤